Letting Go
by Merlin71
Summary: This is for ROO who wanted Shep going crazy with bonus points for whump.


Title: Letting Go

Author: Merlin7/clarkangel

Disclaimer: Don't own any of them.

Rating: M for language

Archive: Anywhere

Summary: This is for ROO who wanted Shep going crazy with bonus points for whump

**LETTING GO**

It was a beautiful day and John was happy to simply enjoy it for once. After nearly losing his entire team on the last mission, it was peaceful knowing they were all alive to enjoy the day. Not that he could easily shake off the memory of the viscious attack they had suffered through. Hard to forget stepping through the gate and into the middle of a mindless war. They had barely had time to realize what was happening and to try and find cover. Even so, all of them had been injured. Luckily nothing that ended up being life threatening, but John had thought for sure he'd lost Ronon on this one. Luckily, most of the blood that had covered the Satedan from head to toe, hadn't been his own.

John's own injuries had ended up being the worst. The moment they realized they were caught up in the attack and that both sides considered them the enemy, John had ordered Teyla to get Rodney back through the gate. Which left him and Ronon to cover their sixes. Not an easy feat, but in the end they had made it through and after three weeks of recovery, John's ribs only twinged a bit if moved too much, and his head aches from the concussion were down to a lingering annoyance.

Carson insisted that John spend another week on light duty before going back to full time, and he had given in only after his team mates had sided with the Doc. Teyla had been quick to explain to John that they wanted him back to one hundred percent, and he couldn't argue with her there. If he wasn't fully fit, then he couldn't do his job properly. Which was to protect his team and Atlantis.

But at the same time, John had passed bored and restless about two weeks back and he was ancy to the point of driving everyone up the wall. Which was when Teyla had suggested an outing to the mainland. They could visit with her people, swim, enjoy the sunny day and end it all with a wonderful feast. The idea of getting off of Atlantis for the day had appealed to the entire team.

Which was how they had ended up taking a leisurely walk with Teyla leading the way. After playing touch football with some of the kids, John and Ronon had gone swimming in the cool water, while Rodney had huddled under blanket stretched across four poles, slathering on sunscreen and reminding John and Ronon that they were going to die horrible deaths from skin cancer. Which led to John and Ronon throwing Rodney in the water. Which led to Teyla chiding them all and herding them inside the tent they had been given for the day and urging them to change into dry clothes. She had wanted to show them the mainland from the cliffs that Holling had discovered a few months ago.

Rodney had tried to pass on the walk, but John had simply reminded him that Carson was watching Rodney's weight and if he didn't have a good weigh in next week, he'd be put on a diet. So Rodney was with them, complaining about the bugs.

"Enough with the bugs already!" John hated the damn things, but at least the bugs on the mainland were normal sized and basically Earth comparable. "Just enjoy the walk, Rodney. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the air is fresh and clean." To prove his point, John inhaled dramatically before exhaling on a happy sigh.

"And we'll have a feast to enjoy when we get back," Ronon interjected, reminding them all of the good food that was being prepared.

Athosian food was excellent and Rodney knew and appreciated it. "Fine," he grumbled. "I'll stop complaining."

John laughed when Teyla and Ronon chorused, "Finally!" and Rodney looked offended.

Then Teyla was leading them off again, pausing to point out a field colored red and blue and yellow with a variety of wild flowers, the likes of which John had never seen before. He figured he needed to come visit the mainland more often, there was more here than he'd realized. Which made him happy to think that the displaced Athosians had a beautiful place to live, after being forcibly uprooted. "Those look like roses," he said, gesturing to the blue flowers.

"They have a beautiful scent." Teyla darted into the field to pick a few, only to have the thorns snag the back of her vest. When she twisted to try and free herself, she ended up being scratched.

"Hang on!" John called to her, wading into the flowers. He patiently worked the thorns from her vest, but ended up scratching the back of his right hand. "Ouch," he muttered, before finally getting the material free.

Teyla turned to him in concern. "Are you alright, John?"

He nodded, holding up his hand. "Just a scratch, I'm fine. You got worse than me." He pointed to the scratches on her forearm and one on her side.

"Like many things the laguar's are both beautiful and fierce." Teyla was smiling as she herded John back onto the path. "But they make up for it with their scent." She inhaled happily, face pressed into the petals, then offered it to John.

"Nice," he agreed, sniffing at the flower. Reminded him of lavendar.

Rodney waved the flower away. "Allergies," he reminded them.

Ronon took a sniff and nodded his approval, but he made a face as Teyla stood on tiptoe to tuck the bloom into his hair.

"Keeps the bugs away," Teyla said, before he could ask what she was doing. Then she moved to John and threaded one of the laguars through loop on his pants. There wasn't anywhere else to put it since he wasn't wearing his uniform. Just a t-shirt and jeans with his knife tucked into the sheath looped on his belt.

Teyla had insisted that they leave all weapons on the puddle jumper since this was a visit, not a mission. Ronon hadn't liked parting with his stunner, but he seemed appeased when Teyla allowed him to carry two knives in his boots, although John suspected he had a few hidden in his hair as well. John had been allowed his knife when he explained he hoped to find some wood pieces to do a bit of wittling around the fire after the feast. Although, in truth, he mostly felt naked without some type of weapon on his person. Rodney hadn't complained about not having a weapon, but he had just about cried when Teyla had insisted he leave his laptop on the jumper.

Speaking of Rodney, he was staring at Teyla in disbelief. "Those flowers don't really repel bugs, do they?"

"They do," Teyla calmly replied, as she tucked a laguar behind one ear. "Would you like one?" She had one bloom left, and she offered it to Rodney with an enticing waggle of her fingers.

"Do they have alot of pollen?" Rodney countered, shifting about from one foot to the other in agitation. He was clearly nervous, but at the same time he obviously wanted to accept the bloom.

John rolled his eyes, grabbed the flower and shoved it down Rodney's shirt, making him jump and bat at his chest. "It's just a flower, Rodney. Chill out already!" He'd make it an order if he had too. The day had been perfect so far and John didn't want anything to ruin it.

Ronon watched Rodney for a moment, amusement on his face, before catching a glimpse of something and pointing it out. "Looks like the cliffs you were telling us about," he said to Teyla.

"Yes, those are them." She looked excited. "Are we ready to continue?"

"We are." John fell into step beside her. "How long to reach them?"

Teyla shrugged. "Depends on how fast we walk." She glanced over her shoulder at Rodney, who had removed the laguar from his shirt and now held it in his fingers with his arm extended as far away from his body as possible. "Maybe a bit over an hour."

John looked back at Rodney as well and laughed. "Or maybe not if we pick up the pace." He moved faster, Teyla and Ronon matching him, and they were a fair bit ahead when Rodney caught on that he was falling behind.

"Hey!" Rodney shouted after them. "Wait up! Why are you running? Do I smell bad? Guys!"

"Hurry up, Rodney!" John called to him, slowing the pace just a fraction. He was walking backwards now and suddenly stumbled. He caught himself before falling, but the world was still tilting around him.

A strong hand gripped his bicep, steadying him. "You okay, Sheppard?" Ronon rumbled.

John was about to reply that he was perfectly fine when he saw them. "Wraith!" he hissed.

"What?" Rodney dropped into a crouch, even as he whirled around to look. "Where? I don't see them!"

"I do not sense any Wraith," Teyla replied, but she had dropped into a defensive stance all the same.

Ronon had grabbed one of his knives and had it at the ready, even as he continued to support John. "Point them out," he requested, his eyes darting back and forth as he searched for any sign of a Wraith.

John pulled away from Ronon, reaching for his own knife. He crouched as well, turning in a slow circle, eyes searching every shadow, every hiding place. Then he saw him. Not a Wraith afterall. Something worse. Someone. Kolya. "No!" John hissed, shaking his head in disbelief. Not here. Not now. The man was the proverbial bad penny.

"What is it, John?" Teyla had moved to his side and one hand touched his arm to draw his attention. "What do you see?"

"Kolya!" John hissed.

Rodney went pale, eyes searching frantically for a moment. "What? Kolya? No no no!" Rodney moved and was in John's face. "Kolya is dead! Remember? You should! You shot him!"

John pushed Rodney aside, stepping around so the scientist was behind him. "I saw him, right there!" John pointed to the tree line that was to their right. "I have to stop him!" With that, John took off running.

Leaving his companions behind to stare at each other in disbelief.

Rodney broke the silence. "What the hell just happened?"

"Something's wrong." Ronon was bouncing on the balls of his feet, staring after John. "I'm going to follow him."

"Something's wrong?" Rodney echoed, shouting after Ronon who took off at a sprint. "Ya think? What was your first clue, genius?"

Teyla broke off Rodney nervous tirade by grabbing him by the wrist and hauling him behind her as she made to follow Ronon. "We must keep up, Rodney."

Rodney stumbled as he tried to keep up. He was worried about Sheppard, even though he'd never admit it out loud. "Doesn't it just figure," he muttered to himself. "We take a day off and something bad still has to happen. All Sheppard's fault."

"Rodney, save your breath for running!" Teyla admonished, releasing her grasp on him and slowing her speed a bit.

"You run, I'll catch up." Already Rodney could feel a stitch forming in his side. He knew he'd just slow the others down and catching up to Sheppard was all that mattered right now. It wasn't like he'd be in any danger here on the mainland. So he stopped and hunched over, trying to catch his breath.

Teyla stopped and ran back to his side. "Go back to the village," she told him. "We will bring John back."

Rodney knew she would, he just wished they'd brought radios with them. He was going to worry himself into a head full of gray hairs while waiting. Which made him determined to keep up as best he could. "I'm coming with you," he stated firmly.

"All right." Teyla nodded, obviously understanding his need to help find Sheppard. "Come on." She began pulling him along again.

Until Rodney stumbled and fell to the ground, shifting around till he could clutch his ankle. "Dammit!" He hissed and cursed as he tried to rub out the pain.

Teyla ran back and knelt beside him. "How bad?" she asked.

"It's not broken." Rodney rotated his ankle to prove it to both of them, but it brought tears to his eyes to do so. He was pretty sure it was just twisted, but damn if it didn't hurt like a bastard.

"I will help you back to the village." Teyla slung one of Rodney's arms over her shoulder and made to rise with him.

Rodney stood up, mainly because Teyla didn't give him much choice. She was tiny but strong as an ox when she wanted to be. Still, he tried not to lean on her too heavily. "You go follow Ronon and find Sheppard. I'll just wait here."

Teyla shook her head. "I will not leave you on your own, Rodney. Ronon will track Sheppard down and bring him back. In fact he'll move faster without us."

"Yeah." Rodney knew it was true, but he still felt bad about holding Teyla back from going after Sheppard. He knew she was just as worried as he was and it was going to suck just sitting around and waiting. Almost as much as it sucked trying to walk on his sore ankle. But Rodney made the effort at Teyla snugged him in close to her lean body and propelled them both forward. Silently, he wished Ronon a safe and quick journey to finding Sheppard.

OoO

John ran as if the hounds of hell were chasing him. He could hear Kolya running ahead of him and he kept trying to speed up, but it seemed as if the Genii leader had suddenly turned into Flash. Lungs burning, John had no choice but to stumble to a stop for a moment. He sucked in air as he hunched over, trying to ease the stitch in his side.

"You're getting old, sir!"

John's head shot up at that, and he stared in disbelief at the image of Ford. "What the..." he didn't finish that sentence because Ford cut him off.

"You thought I was dead, didn't you, sir? You thought I died on the hive ship." Ford ambled closer, eyes almost glowing, the scars on his face vivid, his smile cold and twisted. "You left me behind, sir!"

"You took off," John countered, remembering their last encounter as if it happened just moments ago. "The ship blew up." Even though his words were the truth, John had always had doubts. He had always wondered if Ford had managed to survive.

Laughing loudly, Ford jumped closer. "You gave up on me!" he snarled, his eyes dark and brittle now. "You always gave up on me!"

John shook his head. "No! That's not true!"

A shout to his left cut off John's protest.

"Sheppard!"

John whirled around to see Kolya running towards him, knife in hand. John was ready for him. He didn't hesitate. He ran towards the other man then pushed off the ground and launched himself at him, feet first. He felt his feet thud into Kolya's chest, knocking the bigger man to the ground, while John twisted and managed to roll as he landed, rising swiftly to his feet. Ronon had taught him that move and John had been dying to try it out. He'd have to tell the Satedan how well it worked.

But that was for later. Right now he had a Genii to kill. Pulling his knife, John moved to kneel beside Kolya, ready to plunge his blade into the man's evil heart. He wasn't going to waste time with words this time. He wasn't going to take any more chances.

"SIR!"

"Ford!" John had forgotten about him. He turned and Ford was in the distance, waving to him, before turning to run towards the cliffs dead ahead. "Dammit!" John jumped up and ran after him. Kolya would have to wait after all. His duty right now was to Ford. To making things right between them. It was time to bring Ford home where he belonged.

OoO

Ronon moaned as he rolled to his feet, rubbing at his chest. Sheppard had surprised him with that particular move. He hadn't the man to actually use it, and never on himself. As he stood up, Ronon reminded himself not to trust Sheppard in their next encounter. The Colonel seemed to be hallucinating, calling Ronon Kolya then shouting Ford's name.

Studying the ground for a moment, Ronon spotted Sheppard's footsteps. He was heading towards the cliff. Ignoring the way his stomach twisted into a giant knot, Ronon sprinted off. He had a bad feeling that if he didn't catch up to Sheppard soon, it would be too late.

OoO

Teyla got Rodney back to the village, with Halling meeting her halfway as he caught sight of them. They put an ice pack from the jumper on Rodney's ankle, then they settled in to wait.

It wasn't long before Teyla was pacing.

Rodney felt like joining her. "They should be back soon, right? I mean, Ronon will find Sheppard and bring him back and he'll be fine."

"Ronon will bring John back soon," Teyla conceded, pointedly not making a comment about Sheppard being fine.

Which Rodney didn't miss. "What do you think's wrong with him this time?"

Teyla sighed and shook her head. "I do not know. We were having such a good time and then everything just changed in the space of one heartbeat to the next."

"Hate when that happens," Rodney muttered. Sadly, it seemed to happen all the time to them. He shifted the ice pack a bit, realizing that his leg didn't really hurt all that much right now, then glanced at his watch. If Rodney didn't know better, he would swear that time was going backwards, just to spite him. He looked up at Teyla, seeing his own concern mirrored in her eyes. "Next time we take radios, no matter where we go!" Rodney snapped.

"Agreed." Teyla went back to pacing.

OoO

John ran towards the cliffs, losing sight of Ford for a moment, then spotting him halfway up. Apparently the man could climb like a billy goat. John started climbing as well, not moving as fast against the shifting surface. He slipped a few times, the last one sending him tumbling down a few fit, slamming into a hunk of rock before dropping to the ground where he lay curled up and trying to catch his breath.

"Dammit!" John hissed a breath as he tried to sit up, right arm curling protectively over his left side. His ribs were tender to touch and it hurt to move, but he got to his feet when he heard Ford calling his name. Ford, who was now at the top of the cliff. John couldn't stop now, so he went back to climbing, grunting in pain but moving slowly upward.

He felt dizzy and drenched in sweat by the time he made it to the top. He stumbled a few steps then collapse in a heap, breathing harsh and pain burning in his lungs and ribs. He didn't know how long he lay there until a shadow blotted out the son. John blinked hard and brought Ford's face into focus. "You...you don't have...to run...from me." He wanted Ford to know that and to believe it.

Ford shrugged, stepping back and hunkering down next to John. "What else can I do but run? I can't go home again."

"You can come back to Atlantis." John managed to sit up, arms trembling a bit, but he made it upright after a moment, Ford doing nothing to help. He just smirked at him. "Come home with me, Ford. Where you belong."

"I can't go home, sir. Not the way I am." Ford stood up and moved over towards the edge of the cliff.

John followed him. He had to convince Ford to see reason. "Dr. Beckett has continued his research, Ford. Things have happened since you...since you left. I know we can find a way to help you."

Ford started laughing, belly laughs that were so loud John's ears started aching. "You can't help a dead man, sir."

That threw John for a loop and he moved closer to Ford, casting his eyes over the young man. "Are you dead?" He found that hard to believe because Ford looked like he was living and breathing right in front of him.

"You tell me, sir!" Ford shot back. "You're the one who killed me!"

"No..I didn't kill you." John shook his head. "You ran off and the Hive ship exploded."

Ford's expression twisted and his eyes glinted with cold darkness. "You left me, sir. Turned you back on me and walked away."

John shook his head. "No...that's not what happened!" But he was beginning to doubt the truth of it. Maybe he had given up too soon.

"There is something you can do to make ammends, sir," Ford replied, gesturning for John to move closer.

"Make ammends?" John echoed, even as he took a few steps forward. When he reached the edge, where Ford was standing, he looked down and everything looked so clear below. Clear and perfect and beautiful.

Ford was looking down as well. "You can make things right, sir. Right here and right now. You know what you have to do."

John did know. It was so obvious, he couldn't believe he hadn't figured it out sooner. He looked at Ford and whispered, "I'm sorry." Then he turned back and made to step off the edge. He knew it would be okay. He knew he could fly.

"SHEPPARD!"

The cry made him freeze and turn and suddenly Kolya was there, grabbing John and hauling him away from the edge. He fought against his enemy, but the man held him locked against him with brute force. Still, John didn't stop struggling. He had to get free and do the right thing. But maybe he was supposed to kill Kolya first.

To that end, John kicked back, hitting Kolya's shin hard, hearing the man grunt and the arms about him loosen. He yanked free and made to turn only to feel a sharp pain at his temple. The world spun around him and John slid into blackness.

OoO

Teyla was still pacing when Rodney caught sight of something in the distance. "Is that Ronon? Is he alone?"

"It is Ronon!" Teyla confirmed, running towards them a ways. She turned back to shout, "He has Sheppard!" Then she was off again, running like the wind in their direction.

Rodney got up, testing his ankle. It twinged to put weight on it, but didn't really hurt. Not enough to stop him from hobbling towards his friends. But he didn't go far before Ronon came up to him, then past, with Sheppard cradled in his arms. "What happened?" Rodney could see that Sheppard was pale and there were scratches on his arm and face.

But Ronon didn't reply, he simply kept going till he reached the jumper. So Rodney followed him, grateful when Teyla appeared to grab his arm and lend him support. By the time they got there, Ronon had Sheppard laid out in the back and was stuffing a jacket under his head as a pillow.

"What happened?" Rodney asked again, limping over to John's other side.

"He was trying to jump off a cliff and I knocked him out to stop him," Ronon replied, being as succint as he always was.

Rodney and Teyla exchanged shocked glances.

Teyla looked at John, reaching out to smooth his hair back. "Why would he do that? Why would he jump?"

"He's burning up." Ronon grabbed Teylal's wrist and pressed her palm flat against John's forehead. "He was probably hallucinating."

"He is burning up." Teyla removed her hand then twisted to grab the med kit from the shelf above her head. "Ronon, contact Atlantis and tell Dr. Weir what has happened and inform her that we will need Dr. Beckett's services. Rodney, you must fly us home now."

Rodney didn't hesitate. He got up and hobbled into the pilot's chair, trying to stop his hands from shaking as he fired up the engines, so to speak.

Ronon grabbed for a radio, then froze. "What's that?" he asked, pointing to the back of Sheppard's right hand.

Teyla stared at the inflamed scratch mark that was as long as her middle finger. "He must have scratched himself on one of the laguar thorns when he was freeing me. But I have never seen anyone have that reaction before.

"Leave it to Sheppard," Ronon replied, even as he tugged the laguar out of his hair. Sheppard had lost his along the way, as had Teyla and Rodney. "Beckett might need this to fix Sheppard."

"Good thinking." Teyla accepted it, setting it carefully aside. Then she dug into the med kit, pulling out a cloth and wetting it with bottled water before using it to wipe John's face as she listened to Ronon contact Atlantis.

OoO

Elizabeth entered the infirmary to find everyone gathered around John's bed. She hadn't been able to get down sooner, do to several minor emergencies, but Carson had kept her updated, but it was still a shock to see John lying there so pale and still. Elizabeth glanced at John's team, seeing the worry on all their faces, stopping on Rodney's. She moved to his side. "How's the ankle?" He had it propped up on a chair.

"It's fine, just aches a bit." Rodney was surprisingly dismissive of his injury.

Which worried Elizabeth a little. She turned to find Carson suddenly beside her. "Is Rodney okay?"

Carson nodded. "He is. Not sprain or anything, just twisted it a bit."

"Good." Elizabeth felt a modicum of relief at getting a patch of good news. "What about John?"

"He's not so good." Carson glanced over at Sheppard and sighed. "As I told you earlier, he got scratched by the thorn of one of the flowers on the mainland. He had a severe allergic reaction."

Elizabeth saw the welted scratch on John's hand, it looked red and swollen and very painful. She shuddered a bit then looked back at Carson. "You also said Teyla had some scratches but she had no reaction. Have you discovered why?"

Carson looked grim as he nodded. "I believe it has to do with the ATA gene."

"What led you to that conclusion?" Rodney interjected, looking curious.

"I tested it on myself," Carson replied, his expression a bit sheepish. "I scratched the back of my hand, just a bit, and after a few minutes I felt dizzy and out of it. It didn't last long, although I do have a wee bit of a headache at the moment."

Rodney got up and limped over to Carson, shaking a finger in the doctor's face. "Are you an idiot? What were you thinking testing something like that on yourself?"

Carson grabbed Rodney's hand and shoved it away from his face. "First off, and for the record, I diluted the toxin before testing it. Second, I was thinking that I needed to figure out what's wrong with Colonel Sheppard and it seemed logical to assume it might be ATA related. However, I could have used you as a guinea pig, Rodney. Would you have preferred that?"

"No." Rodney pouted a bit, but then he brightened. "So have you found and antidote or whatever? Can you fix Sheppard?"

"He's not broken, Rodney!" Elizabeth exclaimed, feeling the need to be defensive on John's behalf.

Rolling his eyes at her, Rodney muttered, "Sick or broken, what's the difference. Bottom line is he still needs to be fixed." He turned back to Carson. "So can you fix him or not?"

Looking unhappy, Carson shrugged. "I'm working on an antidote, Rodney, but it's going to take time."

"Does John have time?" Elizabeth queried, glancing over to the bed and staring at John's still form.

"He's stable at the moment, so I'm going to be optimistic here." Carson moved to John's side, checked his pulse and the IV that was taped to the back of one hand, then he turned to the others. "You all need to get some rest, I'll call when things change." With that he began shooing them out.

Elizabeth went with them, knowing there was nothing she could do, but she noticed Rodney had dropped back into his chair by Sheppard's bed. "Let him stay," she whispered to Carson. She knew that Rodney considered John a close friend and she also knew they were good for each other, even though they often acted like school boys with their taunts and digs.

Carson gave a tired grin. "I was planning on it. In fact, Zelenka is on his way with Rodney's laptop as we speak. Now go get some rest of your own, Elizabeth. We're all going to need it."

"John Sheppard is going to turn me gray before my next birthday," Elizabeth lamented.

"I hear that," Carson allowed, pushing her gently out the door.

OoO

John heard a strange sound and it lulled him back to consciousness. He opened his eyes but everything was blurry, so he blinked hard and he recognized the infirmary. Turning his head he was surprised to see Colonel Everett sitting next to his bed. He wasn't sure why he was in the infirmary to begin with, since it was Everett who'd had the life nearly sucked out of him. Seeing his withered form sitting in the chair was chilling.

Ingrained respect for rank had John sitting up and sliding out of bed. His knees buckled and he gripped the bed for support till the world stopped spinning. By then Everett was on his feet and confronting John. "I'm so sorry, sir," John said, trying to form a salute with a shaky hand.

Everett did not look impressed. "Sorry doesn't cut it, Sheppard! Once again, you failed! You failed me and Colonel Sumner!"

"Yes, sir." John wasn't going to deny the truth. "I apologize for my failures, Colonel Everett. If I could back I would do everything I could to save you and Colonel Sumner."

"You can't go back, Sheppard! But you know what you can do to make ammends, soldier!" Everett waved a bony finger in front of John's nose. "You can do what needs to be done!"

John knew. "Yes, sir," he whispered, even as he pushed away from the bed and stumbled towards the door. He didn't get far before hands were on him, pulling him back. John fought against them. "NO! NO! I have to do this! I owe them this! Dammit! Let me go!" Only more hands gripped him and he felt himself being lifted then pinned down then a prick in his shoulder and everything swirled into black.

Rodney stepped away from the bed the moment John went limp. "What the hell is going on?" He was shaking after watching Sheppard freak out on him. He had fallen asleep only to be jolted awake by some noise, to see Sheppard out of bed and trying to salute him. Rodney scrubbed a hand over his face and tried to slow his breathing. "He called me Everett," he whispered.

"It's the toxin, Rodney," Carson stated. "He's still hallucinating. We'll have to put him in restraints for now. I gave him a very mild sedative so he's liable to wake up in a few minutes and we can't have him wandering around." As he spoke he nodded at Ronon, who had come in and helped him with Sheppard, and together they secured straps about the Colonel's slim wrists.

"Why is he hallucinating about dead people?" Rodney felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it.

Ronon shrugged. "From what I've been told, you don't know that Ford is dead."

Rodney glared up at him. "The odds are he is! And Kolya is dead, as is Sumner, and Everett died just two weeks ago!"

"Colonel Sheppard can't control his subconscious thoughts, Rodney," Carson interjected, as he fussed with the blanket and checking on John's IV. He looked content then moved to face Rodney. "Hallucinations tend to be pulled from one's subconscious thoughts. It's not really a surprise that the Colonel would be thinking about the people he couldn't save."

"How's the antidote coming, Doc?" Ronon interrupted to ask.

Carson looked startled, then he was digging in his lab coat pocket. He held up a small vial. "That's what I actually came out here for, to try the antidote. I can't cofirm it will work but it can't hurt."

Rodney was back on his feet and staring at the vial. "Okay then, give it to him already!" He waved his hands at Carson in shooing motion. He wanted this to work so that Sheppard would be back to normal. Sheppard normal was crazy enough to deal with.

"I'm going, Rodney." Carson pulled a capped syringe out of his other pocket. He pulled off the cap and pushed the needle into the vial, withdrawing a dosage. He then tapped it for bubbles before injecting it into John's IV port. "There, it's done."

"How long till we know?" Rodney felt jittery and he realized he was bouncing and his ankle didn't even hurt.

"Can't say for sure." Carson shrugged and looked apologetic. "We just have to wait."

Rodney sat down again, while Ronon moved to sprawl out on the bed next to John's. "Then we'll wait."

Ronon tapped his ear. "Better call Teyla down here."

"Right." Rodney fished his radio out of his pocket and contacted Teyla.

Five minutes later they were all there, keeping vigil.

OoO

John felt hot one minute and cold the next. He felt achy and then his head felt ready to explode, then he felt the pain ease along with the pressure and then there were weird dreams, or maybe they were memories. He wasn't sure because then he was drifting in warm darkness and content to stay there forever, when someone started calling his name.

He didn't want to open his eyes, but then something was patting his face and he peeled open gummy eyelids to find a blurred visage looming over him. John turned his head away.

"Oh no, Colonel. No going back to sleep. First open your eyes then you can dream again."

He recognized that voice. Carson. So John blinked hard and after a moment, Carson's fuzzy face sharpened into a clear image. "Doc..." he croaked.

Someone cold and wet touched his lips and John opened his mouth and an ice chip slid in. He closed his eyes for a moment because the soothing coolness was heaven to his parched throat.

The tapping on his cheek resumed.

John opened his eyes and thought he managed to smile.

Carson looked relieved. "How are you feeling, Colonel?"

"Like...hit by...semi.." It was hard to get out, but he did it.

"You're going to feel crappy for a bit, but next time you wake up it'll be better."

John wondered what was wrong with him. "Wha' happened?"

Carson patted his shoulder. "Go to sleep now, we'll explain everything later."

"Kay." John was too tired to argue so he let himself slide back down into blessed darkness.

OoO

Two days later he was much better. Being IV and catheter free in itself was enough to make John feel good. He had a bit of a lingering headache, his appetite wasn't up to par and he was shaky on his feet still, but he felt better. Learning about what had happened didn't make him happy, especially since he didn't remember any of it. Ronon and Rodney told him everything in great detail and John had a hard time wrapping his mind around it all. It was boggling enough to know he had sucuumbed to the scratch from a flower thorn. Sometimes having the ATA gene sucked.

After begging to be released to his quarters for two hours straight, John was finally kicked out by Carson. Although he had to suffer the indignity of a wheel chair ride to his room, courtesy of Teyla. But it was worth it to be back in his own bed and finally alone. John took the aspirin Carson gave him, assured Teyla he would be fine and that he would rest, and the moment she was gone he slid under the covers and drifted off to sleep.

In his dreams he remembered what happened.

Just before dawn Ronon found him in the East balcony, sitting with his legs dangling over the edge, an assortment of items resting next to him.

"Carson's looking for you," Ronon announced, as he mirrored John's position at the railing.

"Figured he would be." John didn't look at Ronon, he kept his eyes trained on the sliver of red that glowed over the water in the horizon. Sunrises on Atlantis were breathtaking. "I'm surprised Rodney isn't here with a LSD."

Ronon chuckled. "He told Beckett it wasn't working and that Atlantis must be hiding you. That's why I'm here."

John was surprised. "Beckett sent you to sniff me out? And why did Rodney lie to him?" He was confused, even while he was appreciative.

"McKay figured you needed some time alone, plus...you freaked him out a bit when you were hallucinating." Ronon glanced down at the stuff sitting next to John.

"I'll have to thank Rodney later, and apologize. Maybe." John looked down at the stuff as well. He had a baseball cap, a butterfly knife and dogtags. He couldn't even to begin to imagine what Ronon thought about the collection.

Ronon pointed to the knife. "Am I going to have to stop you from doing something crazy?"

John didn't pretend not to understand what Ronon was thinking. "I'm not suicidal. I wasn't myself when I almost stepped off that cliff."

"You remember now?"

"Yeah, I remember it like a fuzzy dream." John picked up the hat and knife." These were Ford's. I kept them in a drawer with the dogtags. They belonged to Sumner."

Ronon studied the tags then asked, "The guy you had to kill?"

John nodded. He had told Ronon the story one Sunday afternoon when the Daedalus had first brought beer and more football tapes. John had introduced Ronon to both things and drank a bit too much, which had made him more talkative than usual. But only the once. "I kept them to remember."

"You'll never forget." Ronon was always succint with his words of wisdom.

"Yeah, I know." John knew almost better than anyone, because he knew Ronon understood it maybe even better.

For a moment they fell into silence, watching the red glow of the sun turn orange then brighten to yellow, chasing away the shadows of the night.

John could almost feel the darkness lifting off him as he hefted the cap and knife in his hands. "I came here to let go of the past. To...let go of them." Rising to his feet, albeit a bit shakily, John leaned on the railing and tossed Fords cap and knife into the water below. "This is where he changed," John whispered. He was glad Ronon didn't say anything, but simply nodded.

Crouching, John grabbed Sumner's dogtags and tossed them over the side as well. Then he straightened up and gave a salute that Everett would have been proud of. "They were good men."

"So are you." Ronon had risen to his feet and he was watching John closely, eyes narrowed, strong arms crossed over his chest.

John wasn't sure what he was seeing, or if he was looking for something. One thing he did know was that he was going to be in trouble with Beckett. "Guess I should go back now."

Ronon grinned. "Yeah, and you'd better be ready to suck up in a big way."

"Shit." John had a feeling he was going to end back up in the infirmary. He headed out the door and down the hallway to the nearest transport. He felt tired, but in a good way. Worn out but at peace. For now. However, his body wasn't in the same mode as his head and after stepping off the transporter, John's knees buckled and he would have hit the floor if it wasn't for Ronon catching him by the arm.

"Yep, you're in trouble," Ronon said, stating the obvious. Then he did the unexpected and gathered John into his arms.

"Hey!" John protested. "Put me down!"

Ronon snorted and kept walking. "Why? So you can crawl back to the infirmary?"

John glared at Ronon, who didn't even look at him. "Oh yeah, being carried like a child is so much more impressive! Now put me down. NOW!"

Shouting had no effect on Ronon. He just kept walking, not even getting winded as he strode down the corridor with John cradled against his chest. So John poked him in the shoulder. "Put me down now, that's an order!"

"Some orders are meant to be ignored," Ronon replied.

"Who told you that?" John demanded.

Ronon seemed to hesitate before replying. "Teyla. She said I had to learn when it was okay to ignore your orders. I'm pretty sure this is one of those times."

John didn't know what to say to that, so he remained silent and suddenly found himself in front of his quarters and being set down on his feet. Of course his knees promptly buckled. Damn Ronon for being right and damn Teyla, and damn karma for biting him on the ass. "This is my room," John pointed out, once the world stopped spinning around him.

"I know that." Ronon looked amused as he palmed the door open and pretty much hefted John inside. He deposited him on the bed and stood back. "I figure I can tell Beckett I found you and tucked you back into bed and you're sleeping so he should leave you alone for a while."

"Nice save," John drawled, as he toed off his sneakers and tugged the blanket back so he could crawl under it. "I forgive you for disobeying orders." He punched his pillow then snuggled into it, letting his heavy eyelids drift closed. He'd deal with the wrath of Carson later.

Ronon dimmed the lights. "Sweet dreams, Sheppard."

John didn't hear him. He was already asleep.

For once he didn't dream.

**THE END**


End file.
